Why 3-D Needs to Die (again)

23 03 2010

Didn’t we do this already?

Opening night for AVATAR.

It seems like every ten years or so, they try to bring back 3-D.  In the ‘50s, it was sci-fi movies, and for the time it was probably pretty wicked cool.  But the fad died out, as people realized that just because a movie in 3-D, doesn’t mean it’s good.  Then in the 70’s and early 80’s it came back with horror films, like the seminal Friday the 13th 3-D. They even started trying their hand at 3-D on TV, with one of my local stations airing Hondo starring John Wayne in 3-D.  You picked your glasses up at the grocery store, and it was neat, especially since I was 8.

Ah, the good old days, when 3-D was used correctly.

Since then it’s been pretty sporadic, you had Freddy’s Dead and Coraline and a few others.  No big deal, and since it was a once in awhile thing, it was ok.  Then cameAvatar, the highest grossing movie of all time.  This isn’t a surprise, being that tickets were $12 a pop, and it was hyped as THE MOVIE THAT WILL CHANGE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT MOVIES.  I thought it was a shit movie wrapped in pretty paper.  And the 3-D was unnecessary, to be honest.  But now, thanks to Avatar, we have this:

Alice in Wonderland (03/05/2010)

Hubble 3D (03/19/2010)

How to Train Your Dragon (03/26/2010)

Kenny Chesney: Summer in 3-D (04/2010)

Clash of the Titans (04/02/2010)

Shrek Forever After (05/21/2010)

Toy Story 3 (06/18/2010)

Avatar 3D rerelease w/additional footage (Summer 2010)

Despicable Me (07/09/2010)

Cats & Dogs: the Revenge of Kitty Galore (07/30/2010)

Step Up 3D (08/06/2010)

Friday the 13th Part 2 in 3D (08/13/2010)

Piranha 3-D (08/27/2010)

Sanctum (Fall 2010)

Legend of the Guardians (09/24/2010)

Alpha and Omega (10/01/2010)

Jackass 3D (10/15/2010)

Saw VII (10/22/2010)

MegaMind (11/05/2010)

Tangled (11/12/2010)

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (11/19/2010)

Yogi Bear (12/17/2010)

Tron Legacy (12/17/2010)

Fuck me.  I didn’t realize there were THAT many.  A sequel to Cats & Dogs?  What the hell is wrong with people?  Step Up 3D?  Were the first two such box-office phenomenons that they warranted a 3D follow-up?

The correct answer is FUCK NO.

That’s just the ones coming this year, and I guarantee you studios are scrambling to 3-D-ify even more movies that have already been shot, like the tepid Alice in Wonderland which was not made FOR 3-D, but was made INTO 3-D.  You’re going to see a lot more of that, I promise you.  If Iron Man 2 isn’t in 3-D, I will eat my hat.  It’s a bet I would be happy to lose, but I will not be surprised when they do it.


Ok, here’s a little simple math for you. $14 a ticket. 23 movies.  $322.  PER PERSON.  If ticket prices were still what they were last summer, you would only be paying $230, or $10 a ticket.  Now granted, not everyone is going to see ALL of these (God help the poor bastard who pays $14 to see Saw VII), but as you can see, ticket prices are continuing to rise.  And at my local theatre, to get a matinee price you have to go before noon.  That is fucking ridiculous, and it’s only going to get worse as movie studios realize they can charge whatever exorbitant ticket prices they want as long as they slap a gimmick on top of it.  Before you know it, smell-o-vision and vibrating seats will be back in theaters.

Imagine sitting at home with these on your face. ALL THE TIME.

Oh ho, you say, what about 3-D TV?  You can just wait and Netflix it and watch it on your 3-D TV at home!  And my answer is simple.  Do you own a 3-D TV?  Neither do I.  Nor do I even want one.  Why would you?  The appeal of 3-D is that it’s a gimmick.  Do you really want Jersey Shore in 3-D, or (shudder) porn?  No.  If you think that everything you watch would be made better by having stuff flying at you out of your television, you have serious mental health issues and need to seek professional medical help. I play video games to relax, and the thought of the monsters in Resident Evil 5 wagging their tentacles in my face instead of on my TV is terrifying.

This is about to get really...Japanese.

And it doesn’t end in 2010, my friends.  Warner Bros. has all but said that after Harry Potter, wraps up, the next big franchise push is the DC superheroes.  Normally, this is the part where I would squeal with delight at the thoughts of a full-on Justice League movie ala what Marvel is doing with the Avengers, but no, the next big DC movie, Green Lantern (which I am psyched for, even with Ryan Reynolds playing Hal Jordan) is in 3-D.  Blech.  Even money says that every superhero movie that comes out will be in 3-D.  Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if those stupid 3-D glasses will become mandatory for EVERY movie by 2012, at the rate things are going.

And hopefully Wonder Woman will be a little less...dudely.

Can’t we just skip to the part where everyone’s tired of this already?  I already sit there watching movie previews going “yeah, that looks cool, but I’ll just Netflix it.”  This is coming from a guy who not too long ago was at the theater every weekend.  Fuck 3-D, and fuck these high ticket prices, that’s all I’m saying.

Follow me on Twitter! @CharlieHamlin




One response

29 03 2010

You have to pity them, Chuck. Piracy is leaving them scrambling to redefine their own importance, and they’re trying all the easy stuff first. Not that any of it will work, mind you, but at least I understand.

If there is a choice between 3D and 2D, I go 2D all the time. 3D games would be cool, though.

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