The Hollywood Remake Machine Keeps On Churning

8 04 2010

So now they are finally scraping the bottom of the barrel, and remaking The Toxic Avenger. From the creative mind behind Batman and Robin, no less. And they’re aiming for a family-friendly, PG-13 rating. What’s next? A $100 million dollar “re-imagining” of Plan 9 from Outer Space? Sigh.

You know it's coming. AND IT WILL EAT YOUR SOUL!

When will this end? I guess when we stop going to see these crap remakes. I’m guilty of it too; I went and saw Planet of the Apes, My Bloody Valentine, Friday the 13th, and Clash of the Titans. And I’m not terribly sentimental about Toxic Avenger, hell, if anyone needs the money from selling the rights to a character, it’s the Troma guys. They’ll turn around and put it to good use. I just desperately want some originality in American cinema. Screenwriters are being told left and right by the studios that the only thing they’re interested in right now is remakes and sequels. This kind of thinking is stifling creativity, and we’ve no one to blame but ourselves, the viewing public.

You are the one responsible for Saw VII! DICK!

For a decade now, we’ve been subjected to middling remake after middling remake. Can you think of one that was really necessary? I can understand making movies that were flawed in the first place. An update of Clash of the Titans, done right, could have been incredible. Instead it was dark, and grim, and had all the fun sucked out of it. Put the love story back in as the driving force of the narrative, spend some more time on the characters, lighten up the broody, angry Perseus. There you go. Clash fixed. But who was clamoring for an updated Taking of Pelham 123? Who demanded Last House on the Left?

Omigod! They're remaking Look Who's Talking! Those monsters!

And they keep coming. There’s a Monster Squad remake coming. Shit, they’re rebooting Spider-man, and that series is only 3 years gone! And don’t even get me started on the foreign remakes. Death at a Funeral? Four year old British movie. With the same midget. Let Me In? I reviewed it right here on this site in January, when it was a Swedish film called Let the Right One In. Don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against the filmmakers shooting these remakes. Most of them were handed these, or are up and coming directors hungry for a hit. Good for them. But how many remakes have you seen that have become mega-hits? I sure can’t think of any. You could argue Dark Knight was a sequel to a reboot, and you’d be right. But the Batman franchise had a decade or so of rest. Spider-man doesn’t have that luxury. And the first two Spider-man films were good. Why the rush to reboot?

Two words. "Jazz" and "Emo". That's why.

All I’m asking is that audiences take some chances with their wallets, movie wise. Watch something different, rather than the same movie you liked 20 years ago. If you liked it, stay home and watch that again. Just don’t let the studios keep feeding you the same reheated film over and over. And for God’s sake, don’t go see Saw VII.

Fuck you and your stupid puppet.

Follow me on Twitter! @CharlieHamlin

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One response

11 04 2010
Joe

There comes a point in every business (and that is all a movie studio is) where innovation is no longer desirable, when looked at with a perspective of risk vs. profit..

This is why most big music labels only put out the same cookie cutter crap, too.

Piracy will fix the problem, eventually. 100 million dollar crap will return nothing, so they’ll die and smaller (more innovative) studios will take their place.

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